William Humbird
The Signal Staff
Hmm … I just coughed … and my nose … it just won’t stop running. Oh no, my forehead … it feels hot. I must have the … you know … sheep flu.
Someone better call the Center for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta. We need those guys in the green plastic spacesuits now. I really should be in a plastic bubble before I start infecting people’s loved ones.
Maybe I already have. After the CDC, I need to remember to call someone in the administration of University of Houston-Clear Lake. They need to know a student has contracted sheep flu. I am sure that they will have to close the school and cancel finals.
After all, it is an institute of higher learning. We all studied for our finals. We were all going to get an A on them anyway, so I am sure that all the professors would be more than willing to just mark that letter down in the grade book and not risk catching the dreaded sheep flu.
Wait … you’ve never heard of the sheep flu? Have you not been paying attention to what is going on in the world around you? What do you mean it hasn’t been all over the media? Yes, I know they have been going on and on about swine flu, but this is completely different. And well … you are reading this in a newspaper, so there … the media is now talking about it.
Speaking of that, why are you still sitting here reading this? Go to the doctor or make a break for the pharmacy. If there is some elderly man blocking your way to the antihistamines, just bowl him over. You need to stock up on Tylenol Flu, Alka-Seltzer Flu, Advil Cold & Sinus, Robitussin and Thera-Flu. Wait till the pharmacist starts asking questions about you running a meth lab, which is when you will know you have enough medication to get you through this latest outbreak. Oh … and get some Echinacea too while you’re there. Just grind the pills up into a powder and pour it on your cereal, or snort it. I am sure it would help.
Okay … that’s under control. Your immune system is rocking, and the disease is beaten down. Come join me back at my plastic bubble.
Now … who is to blame? Well, it’s called sheep flu, so I guess that means it all started with a sheep. What’s that you say? You don’t recall seeing a sheep wandering around the University of Houston-Clear Lake campus. Have you really looked? The sheep are out there; they are just hiding from all the predatory animals on campus.
I know who is to blame. It has to be those dirty Australians. It has to be them … with their weird accents and their miles and miles of pastures. I bet it was some group of Aussies that snuck into our country illegally and infected the good people of this great nation with the dreaded sheep flu.
We need to build something to stop those dirty Aussies from sneaking into the U.S. before our purple mountain majesties becomes another big red rock. I propose we build a fence to prevent them from coming over.
Okay, I will admit that a fence in the Pacific Ocean probably won’t stop Australians from coming here and bringing their sheep flu with them. We should step up security check points at all the airports and ship docks where these people are entering. I say give everybody at the check points an AR-15 and a bunch of syringes with penicillin or whatever the new super antibiotic is.
“Welcome to the United States. Now drop your pants. You should just feel a little bit of pressure and the injection spot might be sore for the next few days.”
I still can’t believe I caught the sheep flu. Hey wait, why is my plastic bubble gone, am I no longer contagious? Hmm … according to the guys in the green spacesuits, I do not have sheep flu. The coughing, running nose and elevated body temperature all seem to be linked to the incredibly hot wings Pizza Hut brought me. The wings were at one point attached to a chicken, which is a kind of bird. Oh God, I have bird flu…
Sarcasm aside, I am aware of the concerns about the swine flu, but if you put aside the media’s sensationalism over the disease, you can hear the real message that the CDC and other government agencies want you to hear. Their message is simply be concerned, but do not panic.
Mexico City’s original posted death toll of 150 from the swine flu is an impressive number, but let me add a bit of perspective to it. During the week ending April 18, the CDC mortality report on the top 122 cities stated that 820 deaths were linked to pneumonia and influenza. Influenza is simply the flu with no type of animal attached to it.
If you are still deeply concerned about catching swine flu, just be cautious. Drinking orange juice can help, since it will help your immune system. After that, wash your hands often, and if you have to cough, be courteous and cover your mouth with your cough, but try to cough into your elbow and not your hands. And if all possible, you should try to avoid contact with anyone you suspect may be ill, and if you are feeling under the weather, please stay home.
To any Australian students we have at the campus, I apologize for any offense this article may have caused. Australia is a lovely country whose people aren’t the least bit dirty. They just happen to have a large sheep population and, hopefully, a nice enough sense of humor to realize that I don’t think we really need a fence in the Pacific to keep them from coming over.
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