Gaga and stripper poles: path to fitness and liberation

Dana Lizik

The Signal

Photo courtesy of Dana Lizik.

It’s always good to have a backup plan.

I have a stripper pole in my room.

Seriously.

I have a silver, bona fide, certified, Carmen Electra stripper pole literally in the middle of my bedroom. I can’t even use my ceiling fan anymore because the pole is too close and I would risk decapitation, but it is so worth it.

Now I am not typically an impulse buyer, but this pole was bought on an impulse. One Saturday afternoon I ended up at the mall, where I then ended up in the sometimes XXX-rated store Spencer’s, where I ended up walking out with a stripper pole.

Honestly, this kind of thing could happen to anyone.

I happen to go through personality phases like tween girls go through celebrity crushes. My most recent phase, inspired by none other than Lady Gaga, had me dying to become as sexy as humanly possible and then some.

As a compliment to this endeavor, I also became slightly fitness obsessed.  So naturally, when I saw the stripper pole’s gleaming pink box sporting a barely clothed Carmen Electra on the front and the promise of fun, freedom and fitness on the back, it just seemed like the most reasonable and logical outlet for me to express both phases. I had to have it.
Being the responsible consumer that I am, however, before I swiped my plastic, I called the one person who could either help me justify or talk me out of this $130 purchase: my mom.

When she answered the phone, I told her that I wanted to buy a stripper pole. She laughed and said no.

I explained that a stripper pole, also known as a dance pole (when trying to be less vulgar or convince your mom you need it), was a great new path to ultimate fitness. Martha Stewart even profiled stripping as a way to good health during one of her shows focusing on fitness. My mom said no.

I told her that she could borrow it to spice up her marriage. She said no.

I told her that I really, really wanted it and that I wouldn’t buy anything else expensive for a really long time. She said no.

So, I bought the stripper pole. You only live once.

I took the pole home and was met with mixed reactions. My mom shook her head, warned me that she was absolutely not going to be the one to take me to the emergency room when I fell off and broke something and then retreated to her own room to pray the Rosary.

My dad just laughed and helped me set it up in my room, because believe it or not, Carmen’s three-step setup instructions are a lot more complicated than the instructional video made them out be.  Not to mention that while the pole is usually pretty stable, it can slip and start to fall sideways since there are no actual bolts or screws holding it in place. This aspect has provided me with a host of funny stories and near-death experiences.

Although I have taken dance lessons my entire life, at first I looked about as sexy as Kevin James when he tried to get down and dirty on a stripper pole as his character Doug Heffernan on an episode of King of Queens. However, I have improved with practice, even though I have yet to achieve either goal of becoming incredibly sexy or incredibly fit.

Still, I have not suffered from one bit of buyer’s remorse. Really. Carmen didn’t lie when she said this pole would provide an outlet for fun, freedom and fitness.  It has certainly fulfilled all three of those categories in my life. The pole has even opened a world of new career opportunities for me that I never imagined possible; most of them don’t even require a degree. And in today’s economy, it’s always good to have a backup plan.