UHCL student announces derby like it is

Brad Denison

The Signal

This is the 2010 Golden Skate Championship, Las Muertas vs. The MobStars.

Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you just joining us, welcome to Texas City and The House of Derby, home to South Side Roller Derby.

The sport is experiencing a major comeback. This is the fifth operating modern day bank track in the nation and the fastest in the world.

The first half of the game saw a number of injuries; most surprisingly the undefeated defending champion MobStars only had the lead in the game for one jam. They are not accustomed to this kind of game.

Donkey PuncHer is taking on Las Muertas co-captain D-Vious, and both skaters take it through a competitive pack with half the players taking a serious spill, allowing the most points in one jam for the night so far – 10 points total: 7 MobStars, 3 Las Muertas.

The jam also saw a number of penalties called by Babs WheelHer, including the first ejection of the evening: Battle TeacHER. When a skater accumulates three major penalties, she is required to remove her skates and is ejected from the banked track. Three minor penalties equal one major penalty and can just as easily get a skater ejected.

Next up is HiJackin’ Jill jamming for the Muertas and Malibu Vader is in for The MobStars. Vader takes a quick trip into Daisy Pukes, but elsewhere on the track, I hear a scream of pain. Jill is down on the inside of the rink. EMS works their way onto the track to assess the situation, but from my vantage point, it doesn’t look good. Ladies and gentlemen, we will be taking a 5 minute break while they take care of Jill.

Let’s have a round of applause for HiJackin’ Jill and wish her a speedy recovery as they carry her out of the building.

With The MobStars down a jammer, Showin’ Tail is in a power jam. It’s her versus the pack. The Muertas want to extend their lead, but The MobStars lay on the speed, preventing Tail from catching back up to the pack. It may be the frustration building on the track, but tensions are rising, and the timer runs out before any points can be scored.

Las Muertas’ fans start chanting the team name again, and I think it’s pushing JC Hatchet to take lead jammer position.

Meanwhile, Choctaw falls back behind the track to engage JC. The MobStars’ strategy backfires though as JC passes the pack and the opposing jammer. I have been waiting two hours to announce this: GRAND SLAM! One lap, 5 more points for Las Muertas for a total of 44. MobStars have 31.

With JC Hatchet in the penalty box from the last jam, The MobStars get another power jam and Marlo wants this jam badly. She makes it through the pack and takes lead jammer position with little effort. Las Muertas have decided on speed and are keeping up with Marlo.

Folks, this is not legal; there will be penalties, but Marlo will not be able to score any points since Las Muertas in effect have prevented her from lapping them.

Las Muertas made a decision to rack up penalties to prevent The MobStars from scoring, which is enraging the crowd. Fans are ejected from the building. Deliberation is taking place by the referees. Penalties are passed out to almost everyone who skated; I’ve never seen anything like it.

This is a 4-point game: Las Muertas 49, MobStars 45. There are 7 seconds left on the clock. That means we get a final 1 minute jam!

If Marlo can make it through the pack, The MobStars can tie-up the game – if not take the win. JC Hatchet makes it through the pack and takes lead jammer position. As Marlo breaks through, JC calls off the jam.

Ladies and gentlemen, with a score of 49 to 45, your 2010 Golden Skate Champions have been decided. VIVA LAS MUERTAS!

For more derby action and the 2011 South Side Roller Derby schedule go to www.southsiderollerderby.com or www.houseofderby.com.