Timothy Lapointe
The Signal
An individual who has never played a MOBA-style video game, or a Massive Online Battle Arena game for those of you not savvy to the terminology, normally expects to enter the online gaming arena to play a game for enjoyment. Certainly, some gamers may look at the game and think, “Playing with other players will surely be fun.” However, any League of Legends player, one of the most-played online MOBAs available, would respond with, “No, you idiot, why would you think that? I hate you so much.”
You see, what makes the MOBA game different from a real-time strategy game is the fact that you are in control of only one unit throughout the entire game. There is no micromanagement beyond your own character; you are your own champion, and everything else is automated in the game. That means that the entire game lies in your hands.
Well, actually that’s not true, because MOBA means massively online battle arena, which implies that there are other players. That’s right, the game lies in the hands of you and four (usually poor-performing) teammates, who, when they enter the battlefield with you, have no idea how to play and are going to cost you the match.
For those unclear how this debacle plays out, let’s take a quick look at what a typical game of League of Legends looks like, shall we?
Phase 1: The Character Selection Screen. This one minute of selection time is where you try to put together a competent team from the dozens of characters that can be chosen in an attempt to defeat another enemy team. Instead, this phase is usually filled with your teammates demanding they get to play a specific champion, instantly selecting and locking in their choice with no care of how good or bad said champion is for the team composition, and then screaming obscenities at everyone else about how stupid their choice is.
“Oh look,” said Vigarath, the enduring warrior. “They locked in the AD Carry. That would be awesome if we didn’t already have one. Someone, please stab him in the eyes.”
Phase 2: The Loading Screen. This phase is when you are first permitted to see the enemy team’s composition compared to your own. This may also be when you begin to sob heavily because they picked champions that just so happen to be insanely better than the champion you selected. You then will begin to complain loudly (to no one but yourself, of course) about how you see said champion in every match and wish that the person who selected said champion would jump into a ravine somewhere, never to be seen again.
“Knock knock,” said Valianos, the cowboy of justice. “Who’s there? It’s Shaco. Again. For the millionth game in a row. Stop playing Shaco; he’s a champion for sadists.”
Phase 3: The Laning Phase. This phase is when the players go to specific locations of the map they have chosen for their specific role. For example, the Solo Top champion will go to the top lane, and the Mid Champion will go to the mid lane. Fancy that. This is where you meet your enemy in person for the first time and, again, begin to weep and complain loudly about how much better he is than you. You then begin to blame, out loud this time, the other respective members of your team for your own failures as a player and as a decent human being. Your teammates, of course, proceed to blame you as well for their own failures.
“Oh,” said Achromic Mage, the pyromaniac. “They sent Cho’gath mid to fight me. I hate my life and everyone in it. There is absolutely no way that I am going to be able to light the void god on fire.”
Phase 4: Team Fight Phase. This phase begins when you have lost your lane, have died numerous times in game, and are desperately attempting to pull yourself together, only to realize all of the other lanes are doing the same and that the enemy team has an enormous advantage over you. The enemy then proceeds to locate you separated from your team. The enemy team always sticks together, of course, because they are actually good at the game. Then they utterly destroy you faster than you can even react. You complain loudly, blame your team for not following you, and respawn, only to die again moments later when the enemy locates you once more.
“Entire &%#!ing team,” Vigarath said. “I swear, it’s like they send out their entire team to search for just me so that they can tear my arms off and beat me with them. Considering that my champion has four arms, that is a lot of arms to be hit with.”
Phase 5: The Rage. This phase begins when you have died more then three times in the span of seven minutes, and it does not always occur in a match. On the rare times that it does, it usually ends with one of the following:
1: Spamming the team chat with obscenities about how much you hate a certain champion.
2: Calling the enemy team cheaters and other slurs that can not be listed here.
3: Throwing your keyboard across the room and blaming whatever deity first comes to mind for your horrible misfortune, and then weeping heavily when you realize you just broke your $200 keyboard.
“No. No, it’s NOT okay,” you rail. “That is NOT okay that he was allowed to &%#!ing ignore my ultimate attack and just walk up and punch me in the &%#!ing face. Why can’t I ever get to punch them in the &%#!ing face instead of dying like a little &%#! every match.”
Phase 6: Defeat. This is a simple phase. It occurs when the enemy team reaches your base and destroys it, while taunting you with obnoxious names only a 12-year-old would find funny, then claiming that they ‘owned you so hard.’ You proceed to the post-game lobby, complain more, insult the enemy team’s mothers, and leave the lobby. You will then either choose to play again, or go drink yourself into a stupor. Be warned that returning to the game while still drunk is always a mistake, perpetually trapping you in the “Rage” phase.
“GG, worst Tryndamere in the world,” Valianos said. “Practically spoon fed you guys the victory and, considering you all had huge flapping jaws, you didn’t need much help with that to begin with.”
In conclusion, League of Legends is far from a simple game for enjoyment. It is an eternal warzone, both in-game and out-of-game, in which players bully each other into submission, perhaps to make up for the fact that they were bullied in high school – or because they are just horrible people.
“Big man talking behind your computer screen,” Achromic Mage said. “Ten bucks says he’s a scared little kid who gets picked on every day and is venting his suffering by playing video games and screaming every other word as a racial slur. You know, like Vigarath.”