When masculinity becomes toxic
Toxic masculinity is the idea that men are sexually aggressive and violent by nature, and to be a man means to encompass these traits and not be emotional or show “weakness.” It is society telling men that their worth lies in their strength and dominance of others, and that to fail is one of the greatest sins a man could commit.
It is shaming men who cry or are openly emotional. Toxic masculinity is pervasive and heavily ingrained in our culture, to the point that sometimes we don’t even blame men when they violently assault someone. We just say, “that’s just how men are.”
Society seems to function under the idea that the differences in how men and women are expected to behave are based on biology and evolution, and going against these supposedly predestined traits is fruitless. The classic “boys will be boys” argument stems from this. The idea that men are by nature more aggressive and not very nurturing has its origins in the assumption that prehistoric men were hunters and provided food and protection while the women stayed home to give birth and raise children.
Many researchers, ranging from anthropologists to social psychologists, have discovered there is little to no difference between people’s brains based on sex or gender identity. Men are just as capable of being nurturing as women are, and women are just as capable of being assertive leaders as men are.
But the reigning belief that the last statement cannot possibly be true has led to a culture of some men striving to prove themselves as “alpha males” by any means necessary. This often results in women being the victims of these men, as evidenced by the #MeToo movement and Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s accusations against Brett Kavanaugh.
When men view women as submissive and/or lesser than them because they are the “alpha males,” these men feel entitled to women and their bodies, and no longer view women as people but as objects.
Another victim who is not as openly talked about are men who are shamed into accepting society’s idea of masculinity. Have you ever heard a little boy start to cry and someone tell him to “man up” because boys don’t cry? What about the phrase “throw like a girl”?
When boys everywhere are shamed for being too “girly,” for liking or wanting dolls, or for all manner of things that Western society has decided boys should not do or like, this is toxic masculinity. Mothers policing their son’s masculinity, restricting what they are allowed to have or do, is toxic masculinity. Boys exhibiting “girly” traits or showing interest in “girly” toys or hobbies and being shamed by their peers and parents, is toxic masculinity.
Considering that something as basic as crying can be seen as “girly,” this shaming can have incredibly negative effects on boys and their development. They deprive themselves of being able to feel and experience basic human emotions such as sadness.
They do not allow themselves to freely engage in the world and activities they might enjoy because they believe a “real man” wouldn’t do such a thing. They are taught to believe that if they were to do any of these things they would become feminine and be viewed as “less than” by their male peers…and many females.
To curb toxic masculinity, we need to come to a new understanding of what it means to be a man. Society needs to allow men to be vulnerable and emotional so that they may live fulfilling lives.
Let boys have Disney princess birthday parties. Tell them it’s okay to cry, and it’s okay to be sad and reach out for the comfort of others. Both men and women can be guilty of shaming men and perpetuating toxic ideas of what it means to be a man. Instead of teasing a man for enjoying makeup and telling him to turn in his “man card,” let him enjoy life to the fullest, in whatever way he chooses.
