SATIRE: Congress finally repeals Obamacare, replaces it with loot-box based healthcare system
In an unprecedented ruling Thursday afternoon, the Senate pushed through a landmark bill that would finally repeal the Affordable Healthcare Act put in place by Supreme Leader Obama. Finally, Americans can sleep well at night knowing that they are no longer slaves to a socialist system in our country.
No longer do we have to shell out our own hard-earned dollars because someone else decided to get into an accident. It’s just like Jesus said, “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. Unless, of course, thy can saveth a buck or two by not doing any of that, in which case, I shalt looketh the other wayeth.”
No longer do we Americans need to be subjugated to low quality, poorly maintained government hospitals. I may be deathly ill, but I still have my dignity damn it. I, like most Americans, would much rather die of a preventable disease because I couldn’t pay for a cure than subject myself to a hospital meant for regular people.
And finally, we are now free from having to provide healthcare to our kids until the age of 26. You’re not supposed to still be leaching off your parents at 26. You’re supposed to be getting out there, exploring the world, making a difference. You know, as soon as you can get over the depressing amount of student loans you’ve accrued. Oh, and those anti-depressants better be paid for by your own healthcare, you entitled millennials.
While a total lack of a safety net for the vast majority of Americans might seem like a great win for everyone, there still remains some bleeding-heart liberals in Congress complaining about the lack of government healthcare. Luckily the current administration has an answer for that. Seeing as we’ve finally managed to rid our pristine governmental system of any socialist leanings, we are finally free to return to our capitalist roots.
The new healthcare system, named the Can You Afford Healthcare? Who Knows, Roll To Find Out (CYAHWKRTFO) system, is, like its name implies, a loot box based healthcare system. Under the new “CYAHWKRTFO” system all Americans pay a flat $600 application fee to be entered into the system. Why so much money you ask? Well, we all remember the embarrassing healthcare.gov roll out a few years ago, this time, by pooling money from everyone we can improve the site for all users. If anyone has any issues we can now afford to staff a help desk.
Not everyone will experience issues, I’m sure, but the application fee is just insurance. When you do get into a situation where you would need healthcare, you simply pay a “roll” payment (starting at only $99) and receive a “Cure Box” in return. This first loot box is required to get access to a nurse appointment. The exact date of the appointment is determined by a randomly selected roll.
Bronze Cure Boxes will ensure that you get seen to within one year of the roll, Silver Cure Boxes will ensure that you get seen within one month, and Gold Cure Boxes will ensure that you get seen within one week. Finally, a Platinum Box will allow you to schedule your own appointment on whatever date best works for you. For an additional micropayment, you can even decide the exact time. After receiving a diagnosis from a nurse you will need to roll again to see a doctor. The exact doctor you receive will be decided by the Care Box in question.
To get a better idea of how this will all work, The Signal spoke to Stephen White, a local resident who has been testing this new system for some time now.
“So, I rolled a bronze box (it was all I could afford, even after working two jobs) 8 months ago before finally being seen to by a nurse,” White said while coughing. ”She told me I had lung cancer and to start rolling for an oncologist immediately. Unfortunately, after the latest patch made its way through Congress, surgical oncologists were reclassified as a Legendary Doc. Currently, I have a box filled with Common Docs like Pediatricians, Cardiologists, and Dermatologists.”
Prior to publication, The Signal checked back in with Mr. White’s beneficiaries and learned he was trying to sell his Uncommon and Rare Docs on AuctionHouse.gov in order to be able to afford a Gold or Platinum Care Box.
As one can see, the system works. Unfortunately, there are some doubts from the worrywarts in the House. The main concern, besides all of the obvious ones you are thinking of, seems to be the risk of loot boxes being too addictive. A recent comprehensive report conducted by the Ethos Association, which was funded in part by the government, confirms that the tendency to become addicted to gambling is a pre-existing condition, and therefore it is not the responsibility of the government to control it.
