Jason Seidel
The Signal
I never thought I’d be on the receiving end of a “coming out” conversation. I definitely didn’t think that it would be coming from my wife.
Hold on, I’m getting ahead of myself.
For six years now, I have wined and dined. I have worked out and beefed up. I have cooked and cleaned. I have been romantic and passionate, and not once have I been able to drive my wife into a lust-filled frenzy.
We have seen several doctors and therapist and counselors, spending thousands of dollars trying to figure out why my wife, Liz, didn’t have a passion for sex.
As it turns out, there is nothing wrong with Liz or with me. Liz is asexual.
To be clear, someone who is asexual does not experience sexual attraction. Asexuals do not have an intrinsic desire to make sex a part of their relationship. This does not mean that they have a lack of desire to be romantic.
Most non-asexuals reaction to individuals who identify as asexuals is to automatically assume that something happened to that person, whether it be a terrible experience, fear of intimacy, anti-social behavior, etc.
As it turns out, there is no linked trait among the asexual community. The asexual would rather just have cake.
It is estimated that one percent of the U.S. population is asexual. That would mean there are more than 3 million citizens who identify themselves as asexual.
If the only time you heard the term “asexual” was in a science class, don’t feel bad; you are not alone. The movement to raise awareness for asexuality is only a couple of years old. Case in point, none of the professionals that Liz and I went to see had ever mentioned it as a possibility.
After we realized what the issue was for us, I called our current (now former) counselor to see what she knew. “Nothing really, sorry.” This woman is a trained professional with fancy framed pieces of paper all around her office stating such, and even she couldn’t tell me about asexuality.
So where does that leave me? My initial reaction to it was something along the lines of “aw man, bummer.” It’s not like she came out and said, “I’m gay.” That I could handle. No, instead it’s the lifetime equivalent of “not tonight, I have a headache.”
It basically boiled down to one question: “Is the need to feel sexual desire from my partner worth throwing away my marriage to a woman who is 99 percent most likely my soul mate?”
Nah.
I’m 31. I don’t expect to look this good for much longer. Seriously though, we were able to reach a compromise. Keep in mind, just because asexuals don’t have a desire for sex does not mean they can’t enjoy sex.
A common question is do asexuals masturbate? The best answer I can give is that it is person dependent, just like it is with hetro-, homo- and bi-sexuals. Some experience sexual arousal, some do not. Sexuality is not black and white; it has a whole mess of gray in the middle.
If you think you may be asexual, or think you know someone who is, check out asexuality.org. The site was created by David Jay, asexual, who is largely responsible for creating awareness on asexuality.
