COLUMN: Living my truth in my battle with Autism

I’m known to many students here at the University of Houston-Clear Lake (UHCL) for many things such as being a member of five student organizations, orientation leader and a student worker. I’m known for being very engaging, involved and passionate.

However, even those who know me best didn’t know until recently that I’ve spent my whole life dealing with a disorder that makes everyday communication a challenge.

When I was a very young child, I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, a high-functioning form of autism. For those who don’t know what autism is, it’s a developmental disorder characterized by symptoms such as repetitive behavior patterns, difficulty maintaining eye contact with others, and becoming fixated on certain things.

I can’t recall exactly when I learned I was different. I only remember my mom telling me I didn’t say my first word until I was three while most other infants start speaking sooner than that.

On top of being autistic, I also struggle with anxiety pretty bad. Sometimes asking for help or confiding in someone is very intimidating for me. On occasion, just going to school or going to work is an act of bravery.

I’m also my own worst critic. I doubt myself a lot and I don’t allow myself to recognize the good in me. I’m always focused on the things I don’t do well. I have a tendency to beat myself up over everything which largely stems from situations in my childhood where I have been chastised by adults.

Although I have shared this part of my life with a handful of other people in the past, I have largely kept it hidden throughout my college experience. I have no problem putting it on paper, but I struggle just to have the courage to actually say that I have autism.

I have hidden it from others for the past 13 years because I felt embarrassed by it. I’ll be honest: I have even felt ashamed of it. I guess I didn’t think anyone would understand, so I figured it was best just to keep it a secret.

Recently, however, I came to realize that I couldn’t keep it a secret any longer. I was miserable and I still didn’t believe I could make something of myself in the workforce even though I had become something in college. I always had a difficult time focusing on the things I’m trying to accomplish and my school work would sometimes suffer because of it. I was constantly stressed and I was occasionally on the verge of tears.

As spring break approached, I knew I had to do something to lift this dark cloud over my head. I decided I was going to dedicate that entire week to taking care of myself for the first time. I stayed away from school and work.

I did things that relaxed me and made me happy. Each day I kept my friends and loved ones updated on my adventures on Instagram. The encouragement I received served as a reminder that I did the right thing for myself. I came back to school feeling refreshed.

However, it didn’t last long. Within a week, I was back where I started. Something else still needed to be done.

When Autism Awareness Month approached, I knew I couldn’t live my best life if I didn’t live my truth. I needed to be honest with others and more importantly with myself. It was time to let the cat out of the bag.

On April 2, Autism Awareness Day, I made the announcement on Facebook and Instagram. It has been incredible to receive the love and support I have from so many people. It has taught me the importance of sharing my story with others which is why I’m writing this blog.

The most important thing I’ve learned from this experience is that being autistic is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. If anything, it’s a blessing in disguise. Some of the most brilliant people in the world are autistic. For the first time in my life, I’m proud of it because it has given me a beautiful gift.

From this process, my hope is that people want to learn more about autism. I also want to inspire others. Judging from the reactions my announcement got, I’d say I’m off to a pretty good start.